30. 4. 12

Many words (life is beautiful)

Veliko besed (lastnih in predvsem tistih iz drugih ust) je izgledalo tako resničnih,
da so zgodbe postale otipljive in sem jih vohal še preden so se zgodile.
Ljudi (ne vseh) in življenje sem naravnost oboževal.
Večina zgodb se ni zgodila, utapljal sem se v solzah.
Ljudi (ne vseh) in življenje sem naravnost sovražil. Sebe še bolj.
Ker jokati več ne znam, je čas za nove zgodbe.
Tiste moje. Na tem planetu.
Many words (both, mine and from other people) seemed so real that I could feel the stories and 
smell them even before they happened. 
I simply adored people (not all) and life. 
Most stories never happened and I was drowning in tears. 
I started hating people (not all) and life. And myself even more. 
Because I can no longer cry, the time has come for new stories. 
My stories. On this planet.









Trough or through

that's the question now.

25. 4. 12

Never?

People don't believe that i have never had a relationship.
3 hours,  5 days, 3 weeks ... that's not a relationship i think :)

My journey to Paris:

Kiss from Pariss

Today i caught a lot of smiling eye contacts. Strange. 
But nice, of course. Life is beautiful!!! Kiss from Pariss. Val


23. 4. 12

What do you care what other people think?


What would your life be like if you did not care what other people though of you? 
If we were completely independent of People's opinions, good or bad, and would go about my day without so much as a single self-conscious decision. It would be wonderful freedom, of course. You would feel free to do what you wanted, and have a clarity of mind that comes with not being constantly preoccupied with thinking about the judgment of those around you. 

Looking at our current state of affairs, it would seem that the culture we humans have created for ourselves is driven by "what other people think," the tension between the desire for approval and the fear of disapproval. Businesses, families, friendships, sports, politics; everything is, not completely driven by this tension, at the very least heavily influenced by it. And this we can see very clearly when looking for it, how much our existence relies on other people's judgment of you; that you exist only as a mental image in other people's minds. Which is mostly unconscious, of course, because when we drag it up to the surface and into the light we can see clearly just how insane it really is.

The ego and approval

In the world of ego, the promise and the threat of disapproval are commonly used tools that people use to get what they want from each other - or rather a single tool, a double-edged sword where one always follows the other. And you've all seen how this works: one person can be said to almost purchase another person with approval, and then attempt to control their behaviour with the threat of disapproval. This takes on many forms, but usually it is characterized by people winning each other over by approval and then keeping each other captive with the threat disapproval. 

physicist Richard P. Feynman

20. 4. 12

Duš, hi.

London, London, London.

1. Ljudje brzijo brzijo;  veliko jih je priklopljenih na iPOD, antidepresive, alkohol, nikotin.
1. People are running, running; lot's of them are connected to iPOD, antidepressants, alcohol, nicotine.

2. Hrana, kupljena v večjih centrih: fuj. Paradižnik in jagode, kar sem kupil, ja katastrofa. Kot bi dve uri pred mojim nakupom roba prišla izpod lampe. Sem jedel pico; ja itak, da sem takoj pomislil na Rustiko in v mislih imel njihovo; kot bi žvečil izolacijsko peno malček pošpricano s paradajskom ...
Da o ceni ne govorim. Food from big supermarkets - fuj. Tomato and strawberries, disaster. Like they were under artificial light before being in my basket. I've been eating pica; straight away was thinking on that one from Rustika; it was like to chew insulating foam sprinkled with a little amount of tomato.
And price ...

3. V savni sem se pobliže spoznal z enim ful hudim tipom; v garderobi si natakne prstan in ga vprašam, če je poročen. Odgovor je bil: da. Da je pač biseksualec in da si ne more pomagat it na vsake tolk mal kkšnga lulčka pošlatat. Sva veliko klepetala. Je rekel, da mu to ni v navadi in da pač nikoli ne izmenja telefonske. No, te si še čistokrvne žvizle ne. Ob slovesu nisem jokal. Aha, je eden redkih tu v Londonu, katerega obraz sem videl nasmejanega. To še pred akcijo. Mogoče je zato tako dobrovoljen, ker mu žena dobro kuha? In Sauna i closely meet a handsome guy; in the locker room he put on a ring and i asked him, if he's married. The answer was: yes. That he is bisexual and he can not help himself from time to time to touch a pimpi. We talked a lot. That talking is unusual for him and he never exchange a phone number, he said. I didn' cry in the end. But, he was one of the rare people here in London with a smile on his face - even before action. Maybe because his wife is cooking good?

4. Če bi Joža prišel sem gor, bi mu merilec ega raznesl. Moj je zihr spet nad trideset, bom kar za svojega poskrbel ... If Joža came to the island, his ego meter would have exploded. My is for sure over the thirty, will carry for mine ..
5. Zakaj? Če bi ti vedla, kolk razočaranj sem doživel. Why? I can not tell you how many disappointments i had.
Tista Jennifer iz Hampsteada, o kateri sem ti pravil, se je sicer javila, ampak potem je spet zatajila.
Pa tako resnično je izgledal, da se bova še videla in jo obiskal na podeželju. Pred Parizom bi mi to res ustrezalo, a jebat ga, tako je to z ljudmi. Veliko govorijo ... Da ima zanimive prijatelje, kateri bi mi lahko pomagal pri mojem delu ... ponovno sem bil šokiran ... in pol mi taki dogodki (še vedno) čist preveč energije vzamejo in tuhtam, zakaj, kako ...
Jennifer from Hampstead which i was talking about - she phoned me but disappeared again. It looked so real, me on the country side out of London. Before Paris that would so fit me, but, fuck it, that's how people are. They talk a lot ... And she has some friend they could help me with my work ... i was shocked again ... and those kind of "incidents" took me a lot of energy and i'm thinking why, how ..
Pred dnevi sem šel do Paul Smitha, kjer ima pisarno. Receptorka me je čudno gledala seveda, dala na telefon njegovo osebno asistentko in sva se dogovorila, da me kontaktira po mejlu, kdaj bi ga lahko spoznal. Nisem šel domov; dve uri sem čakal pred stavbo in glej ga Paula, pride ven. Že na daleč mi je govoril "o helou". Štiri sekunde za njim pride še osebna asistentka, katera se ob pogledu name seveda zaškili in "ouuu, midva sva govorila prejle, a ne". Paulu vse lepo na kratko povem .. in reče, naj se z osebno asistentko dogovorim za srečanje. "Boš jutri tu", vpraša. Osebni asistentki dam telefonsko ... Trikrat mi je rekel: se vidiva jutri. Trikrat.
Few days ago i went to the Paul Smith office. A receptionist were looking me strange of course, gave me his secretary on the phone in we agreed that she will contact me by email when i can meet him. I didn't go home. After two hours of waiting he came out of the building. "Ooo helou" was telling me when i was walking towards him. Four seconds after him the personal assistant came, looking me strange a she said "ouuu, we talked before, right". I explained shortly to Paul what i'm doing ... and he said: "speak with her and arrange for tomorrow; are you here tomorrow?" he asked. I gave my phone number to PA ... Ha said, three times: See you tomorrow.

Naslednji dan mi je OA poslala mejl, naj ji točno napišem:
Next day PA send me an email:
Could you let me know more about your filming request?
What it is for
Where it will be used
Why you are doing it etc
ji vse lepo napišem, pol mi pa odgovori i wrote everything and she answered
unfortunately we do not have any time in Paul’s schedule for this. Zakaj mi je prejšni dan trikrat rekel: se vidiva jutri. Čist sem bil žalosten. Pomoje je tista asistentka nekej zašmurala. Sem skor prepričan. 
Dvakrat sem bil na založbi od Adele ... in zvonil na vratih Jamie Oliverja. Že to, da sem zvonil ... mah, en kup časa mi je šlo ... Tudi Lari Bohinc ne pišem več. Ni mi jasno, zakaj mi ne more odgovorit ali nimam časa ali karkoli. Why he said to me three times see you tomorrow. I was really sad. Probably she "did something wrong". I've been too times at Adele's record company ... nocking on the Jamie's Oliver (private) doors ... i spend soooo much time .. Even Lara Bohinc, Slovenian, did' answer my emails.
6. Na ulicah sem srečal veliko zanimivih ljudi in z njimi debatiral o ljubezni oziroma odnosih, tale fantič pa mi še zdej ne gre iz glave:
6. I've met a lot of nice people on the streets, that guy is still in my head:   


7. Zdej sem bil deset noči pri Suzani, mi je prijazno odstopila sobo, ravno tako za štiri noči Caroline. 
7. I've been 10 days at Suzana and four at Caroline's place (thank you, girls!!)




Glede na to, da kaučsrfing v Londonu sploh ne deluje, me mal firbec, kako bo to v Parizu, kamor se odpravim čez dve uri. I'm curious how Couchsurfing is going to be in Paris, where i'm going in two hours; in London was completely dis ... ah ...
8. Vse, kar se mi dogaja, je prav. Opuščam možnost izbire in se prepuščam. 
9. Pogrešam te. 
10. Velik objem, Val.
8. Everything what i'm going trough is OK.  
9. I miss you.
10. Big hug, Val









17. 4. 12

What do you care what other people think?

What would your life be like if you did not care what other people though of you? 
If we were completely independent of People's opinions, good or bad, and would go about my day without so much as a single self-conscious decision. It would be wonderful freedom, of course. You would feel free to do what you wanted, and have a clarity of mind that comes with not being constantly preoccupied with thinking about the judgment of those around you. 

Looking at our current state of affairs, it would seem that the culture we humans have created for ourselves is driven by "what other people think," the tension between the desire for approval and the fear of disapproval. Businesses, families, friendships, sports, politics; everything is, not completely driven by this tension, at the very least heavily influenced by it. And this we can see very clearly when looking for it, how much our existence relies on other people's judgment of you; that you exist only as a mental image in other people's minds. Which is mostly unconscious, of course, because when we drag it up to the surface and into the light we can see clearly just how insane it really is.

(physicist Richard P. Feynman)

12. 4. 12

London, do you know what love is?

It is so easy to find sex here in London.
It is impossible to find love.
I mean, i am not looking for love, i would just like to smell it.



9. 4. 12

What do you care what other people think?

What would your life be like if you did not care what other people though of you? 
If we were completely independent of People's opinions, good or bad, and would go about my day without so much as a single self-conscious decision. It would be wonderful freedom, of course. You would feel free to do what you wanted, and have a clarity of mind that comes with not being constantly preoccupied with thinking about the judgment of those around you. 
(physicist Richard P. Feynman)

7. 4. 12

Sauna


Gay Saunas are a perfect place to find a life partner.
Yea, right.
It is a place for sex and nothing else, unfortunately.
I will keep the details for my book.


A day for thinking (first one these week :)

I'v been talking with my mum and granny in the morning.
That was my happy easter.


Why do we need so big buildings?
(it's going to be a hospital)



.. when i've seen that guy doing 


was thinking about my friend and her post on FB


I was thinking, why Couchsurfing is not working.
But, important is, that "we" are looking for a new gay mister.
Thank you Susana for your help.
I don't know, how is going to be in Paris?? :)


I'm thinking, AGAIN, why in these planet is like it is
and why Slovenia is beautiful just when we talk about nature.
I can't read FB friends writing about happening in my country anymore.
Well, i have some great friends in Slovenia, da nau pomote. 
And, i've lost contacts with some of them; that's life ...

I did some shopping and went back home.












2. 4. 12

What do you care what other people think?

What would my life be like if i did not care what other people though of me? If i were completely independent of People's opinions, good or bad, and would go about my day without so much as a single self-conscious decision ...